Zelda Paternity Tests
by RedMetalCross
Summary: Just read it. The title says it all. This is the first part of many.
1. The King's Son

*RedMetalCross*  
This is something I decided to write up after watching an episode of Maury. Don't ask me what evil spirit forced me into writing this because I haven't figured it out myself. If you like it, I might add on.  
  
The Maury Show  
  
Topic: " Mommy, Who Is My Daddy?" Part I  
  
(Maury walks on stage. He smiles to the camera and waves to the audience.)  
  
MAURY: " Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the show. Today, you will be witness to live DNA paternity tests. Three guests have come onto the show and are trying to find out who the real father of their child is. And we are going to help them find out the truth!"  
  
(The audience claps their hands. Maury notices that the audience is mainly composed of women. He has a sudden bad feeling about the show.)  
  
MAURY: " Before we get to those women, I have another guest to introduce you too. He's a young man, in his mid-thirties, which has grown up his entire life without ever knowing his Father. His Mother has brought him on the show. She has also given us a name of a man who possibly could be the man's Father. We have also invited him on the show. First thing's first, do you what to meet the boy and his mother?"  
  
AUDIENCE: YEAH! (They clap their hands loudly. Some are beginning to whistle.)  
  
MAURY: (He smiles.) " All right then. Bring on out Ganondorf and his mother, Koume!"  
  
(Ganondorf and Koume walk down the steps and shake Maury's hand. They sit down in front of a large television screen.)  
  
MAURY: " Nice to meet you, Ganondorf. And your mother, Koume."  
  
KOUME: " Actually, I'm his surrogate Mother. His actual Mother died during labor."  
  
AUDIENCE: Awwww.... (Some women say, " Poor baby.")  
  
MAURY: " I'm really sorry to hear that, Ganondorf. I know it must be tough losing your Mother and on top of that, not knowing your Father."  
  
GANONDORF: (He nods his head.) " Yes it has been Maury. Today, I hope to at least accomplish the task in finding my real Father. It really hurts living your life and not knowing who created you. Who loved your Mother enough to invest the time? It...it creates a loud of anger and frustration inside and...and makes me want to lash out at everyone."  
  
MAURY: (He laughs.) " I guess I understand why you try to take over the world. That aggression inside must burn a hole in you."  
  
(Ganondorf nods his head again. Maury changes his attention to Koume.)  
  
MAURY: " So Koume, you have told us that you have an idea who the father is."  
  
KOUME: " Yes. I don't just have an idea, I definitely know who it is."  
  
MAURY: " You do! Who is it then?"  
  
KOUME: (She faces the camera.) Ganondorf's father is...the King of Hyrule!"  
  
(The audience gasps.)  
  
MAURY: " The Royal Highness himself?! I'm very surprised. Koume, can you tell us anything that you know about the relationship between the King and Ganondorf's Mother?"  
  
KOUME: " The King was a frequent traveler to the Gerudo Valley. But at one point, he actually lived there among the Gerudos for about a month. I believe it was because he had a big fight with his wife, the Queen. When he stayed for that month, the King lived with Ganondorf's mother. Needless to say, their relationship was very intimate. When the Queen finally cooled down, he went back to the castle. She became pregnant shortly after that."  
  
MAURY: " Koume, did Ganondorf's Mother ever contact the King and tell him about the pregnancy?"  
  
KOUME: " Sure she did. She went over to the castle personally and told him. But the King flatly denied it and had the castle guards escort her out. He then disallowed her to ever step outside the valley or she would be killed."  
  
(The audience grumbles. Some women lift up their purses. Maury hopes that there aren't any bricks inside.)  
  
KOUME: " She didn't want to have the baby after that but Kotake, her other surrogate Mother, and I convinced her to have it. Unfortunately, she didn't survive. Now it's thirty-five years later and I want the King of Hyrule to live up to his past and admit that he's the father of Ganondorf!"  
  
(The audience claps loudly, screaming to bring out the King. Ganondorf has said very little. He sits silently in his chair.)  
  
MAURY: " I guess it's time to meet the King. But before that, we asked the King what he thought about the idea of Ganondorf being his son. We videotaped his reactions."  
  
(The television screen behind them lights up. On the screen were the King and his daughter, Zelda.)  
  
THE KING: " Maury, you asked me what I thought about Ganondorf being my son. You know what I think?! I think it's the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my life. I mean, look at him! He looks like a fucking dried up pickle! Ganondorf looks nothing like me and may I say, is ugly like a piece of shit! He cannot even compare to royalty such as my daughter and myself!"  
  
ZELDA: " That's right Father! Ganondorf! I know you're listening and I want to you to know that you're the most disgusting man on the planet! The only reason you claim that my Father is your Father because you want a piece of our pie! Well, guess what?! It's not going to happen! Daddy would never sleep with a slut and that was what your Mother was. A dirty, worthless slut! A bitch who slept with every man in Hyrule!"  
  
THE KING: " Today, I'm going to show you, Ganondorf, that you're not my son. I'm going to show the thousands of people watching The Maury Show how much of a whiny bitch you really are!"  
  
(The television screen clicks off. The audience is too stunned to speak. Ganondorf doesn't react while Koume is flipping out. Maury gets up and goes over to the steps.)  
  
MAURY: " And I thought this was a family show. Where the hell are those censors. Oops! Sorry! Anyway, your Highness. Zelda. Please come out."  
  
(The King and Zelda step out and shake Maury's hand. They sit down about ten feet away from Ganondorf and Koume. Maury sits back down.)  
  
MAURY: " Now, your Highness. Give everyone here a good reason why you think that Ganondorf isn't your son."  
  
THE KING: " Maury, take a good look at Ganondorf. He looks nothing like me. Obviously, whoever the hell his mother was, must have had a fetish with frogs or something because I've never seen a person turn out green before. Plus, I never left my wife's side. We have been happily married for forty years."  
  
(Koume couldn't take it anymore. She gets up and runs toward the King. She screams wildly at him, waving her arms around.)  
  
KOUME: " You fucking bastard! You fucking bastard! You know you had sex with Xenera! You know she's fucking became pregnant because of you! Don't lie! Don't lie you bastard!"  
  
ZELDA: " Shut up old woman. Shouldn't you be six feet under by now, you fucking senile bitch."  
  
(Maury gets up and grabs Koume. He drags her back to the chair and attempts to comfort her. The audience is really getting into it. They begin calling the King vulgar names.)  
  
MAURY: " It's okay, Koume. You can't just verbally attack someone, no matter what. That's why we're here. To prove he is Ganondorf's father. (He turns to the audience.) Lucky for us, we had the King take a paternity test. (He picks up an envelope.) And here are the results."  
  
(The audience cheers. Maury sees one woman take a brick out of her purse.)  
  
MAURY: " Okay, I'm ready to open the envelope. These moments are always exciting because not even I know the results. (He opens the envelope and pulls out a slip of paper.) Before I read, I want to ask Ganondorf something. (He looks over to him.) What do you plan to do if he is your Father?"  
  
GANONDORF: " I don't really know, Maury. I don't want any of his riches like the paranoid whore Zelda thinks. I'm already a King so money means nothing to me. I just want to be able to talk to him and find out things about him and the brief relationship with my Mom."  
  
THE KING: " Sorry to disappoint you, Ganondorf. But I guarantee that I'm not your Father. There's no chance in hell that I'm going to be your Dad so stop playing this stupid charade and go home! I bet my daughter's virginity on that!"  
  
ZELDA: (She gives the King a sideways look.) " Ahem, it's kind of too late for that..."  
  
THE KING: " What? Who?!"  
  
ZELDA: " With Link of course."  
  
THE KING: " That dumb piece of fuck! What did I tell you about feeling sorry for commoners? They only screw you for money!"  
  
ZELDA: " Daddy! Link and I are getting married next month!"  
  
MAURY: " Okay, okay. Calm down, you two. I'm ready to read the results.(He briefly read the paper.) Ahem. When it comes to thirty-five year old Ganondorf, your Royal Highness...you...ARE the Father!"  
  
THE KING: " NOOOOOOOOO! I KNEW SHE SHOULD HAVE JUST GIVEN ME A BLOWJOB!!"  
  
(The audience goes wild. Koume jumps back up and starts screaming again at the King. Zelda has a very angry look on her face.)  
  
MAURY: " Zelda? What are you thinking? Ganondorf is your half-brother."  
  
ZELDA: " I...I don't know what to say. I...I'm sorry for being so rude. Daddy..."  
  
THE KING: " Yes precious..."  
  
ZELDA: " You lied!"  
  
THE KING: " I...I didn't mean to. I mean, that Gerudo bitch had a pussy like you couldn't believe. I'm sure if you tasted it you would agree."  
  
(The audience boos the King. He glares at them.)  
  
MAURY: " So your Highness. What do you plan on doing with your relationship with Ganondorf? Are you going to try and patch things up or what?"  
  
THE KING: " Let me think...hell no! He still looks like an ugly toad to me! I would never be seen in public with the bastard!"  
  
(One of the audience members stands up.)  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: " You son of a bitch!" (She throws a brick and it connects against the King's head. He falls unconscious on the floor.)  
  
(The audience member rips off her clothes and reveals herself. She looks a lot like Koume.)  
  
KOUME: " Kotake! I thought your were running the shop back at home!"  
  
KOTAKE: " Heheheh! I knew that son of a bitch would do that so I came. Prepared!"  
  
MAURY: " Okay...I think that this is the end of this segment. (He looks at the audience.) We have to take a break now. Please come back and see our next guest and witness the shocking story she has to tell!"  
  
(Audience claps their hands. A janitor comes in and sweeps the King's unconscious body of the stage. Zelda leaves quietly. Ganondorf and his two surrogate Mother's disappear in a cloud of smoke. Screen goes black.)  
  
*Part I is finished. Tell me how it is! * 


	2. Saria's Fun

*RedMetalCross*  
Here is Part II. I promise it will be as sicker and more twisted than the first part.  
  
THE MAURY SHOW  
  
Topic: " Mommy, Who Is My Daddy?" Part II  
  
(The camera flicks back on. Maury is seen taking a couple of aspirin. He notices the camera and smiles.)  
  
MAURY: " Welcome back everyone. I do have to say that our first segment was crazy. I have never seen so much profanity thrown around before in my life. Well, maybe when I visit my mother-in-law but that's a different story."  
  
(The audience laughs.)  
  
MAURY: " Now, our next guest is just a little girl. (The audience gasps.) Yes, only a little girl. This girl has a problem. Ten months ago, she had a baby. Her fiance believes that the baby is his but our she has different ideas. Let's meet her and get more out of this story. Everyone, welcome Saria!"  
  
(The audience claps. Maury greets Saria and walks her to the seat. He sits next to her and stares at her.)  
  
MAURY: " When I said little girl, I meant it. How old are you Saria?"  
  
SARIA: " Seventeen years old."  
  
MAURY: (Laughs.) " But you don't look like it. You look to be ten."  
  
SARIA: " I know. You see, I come from the Kokori Forest and all the inhabitants look like children. We age chronologically but not physically."  
  
MAURY: " Oh. Anyway, tell us about your problem."  
  
SARIA: (She blushes.) " Well, I have been with my fiance Mido for seven years now. Our relationship was great but there was one mess up along the road."  
  
MAURY: " What was that?"  
  
SARIA: " Maury, you see, Mido and I got in a fight almost a year ago about attending to Link's wedding. I wanted to go but Mido didn't. The fight was so bad that I left the house and spent the night at the Know-It-All Brothers house. And that is where things got hairy..."  
  
MAURY: " How so Saria?"  
  
SARIA: " Well...the brothers and I kind of got drunk and we kind of had...fun together."  
  
MAURY: (A shocked look on his face.) No! Don't tell me you slept with one of them."  
  
SARIA: " Worse. I had slept with all three of them..."  
  
(Saria breaks down crying. Maury hands her a tissue box. The audience feels sorry for the girl.)  
  
MAURY: " How did Mido take all this?"  
  
SARIA: " He...sniff...was angry. He told me that he would forgive me because it was partly his fault. But when he found out that I was pregnant with my little girl, Sage, he left. He's convinced that the baby isn't his."  
  
MAURY: " I think he has good reason."  
  
SARIA: " I really do think the baby is his. I mean, when I was with the Know-It-All brothers, the most I remember doing was sucking them off and taking a couple of cum shots to the face."  
  
MAURY: (He laughs again. He can't believe what his show has been reduced to.) " But that is what you remember. For all you know, there could have been some double penetration or something else like that."  
  
SARIA: " I don't know. Maybe..."  
  
MAURY: " Okay. First, we are going to bring out Saria's fiance, Mido. We asked him about the baby possbily being his. Here are his reactions."  
  
(The television behind them turns back on. Mido is on the screen.)  
  
MIDO: " I seriously hope to God that this baby is mine. I love Saria with all my heart and finding out that she slept with those three Know-It-All brothers was devastating. If the baby is mine, I'll fully forgive Saria and we will live on to have a happy family. If the baby isn't mine then Saria can go to hell!"  
  
(The screen turns back off. The audience feels the sting of Mido's words. Maury gets up and walks to the steps.)  
  
MAURY: " Okay. Please welcome, Mido!"  
  
(Mido comes down the steps and shake Maury's hand. Like Saria, he also looks like he belongs in grade school.Mido sits next to Saria.)  
  
MAURY: " Welcome to the show Mido. How are things?"  
  
MIDO: " Pretty good. It's great to be here. At least I can find out who the Father of little Sage is."  
  
MAURY: " Yes. But Mido, Saria has been saying that she still wants to be with you. And that she really does think that you are the Father. And you seem to be in love with her."  
  
MIDO: " I am. I love Saria to death. I loved her even before Link began his journey to save Hyrule. I really do hope that this baby is mine."  
  
(The audience is touched by Mido's comments. Maury isn't really impressed. How many times has he heard that?)  
  
MAURY: " But there is one more part to this equation. The Know-It-All Brothers. They are here as well. They spoke briefly about the possiblity of one of them fathering a child."  
  
(The television flicked back on. The three brothers were standing there. Each with looks of anger on their faces.)  
  
FIRST KIA BROTHER: " You know Saria? You need to stop being a fucking little slut and go the fuck home! I mean, you were sucking so much dick that night I didn't even know if you accidently gave a blowjob to the Deku Sprout or not? You were all over the place!"  
  
SECOND KIA BROTHER: " Saria, the odds of one of us being the Father are slim to none. You slept with every motherfucker in the forest. I even saw a Wolfo banging you from behind that night so don't fucking lie. I'm surprised little Sage turned out to look human."  
  
THIRD KIA BROTHER: " I'm sorry, Saria. Sorry that you give the worst head on this side of the forest! I might have as well went to a fucking skull kid if I wanted pathetic head. I want my ten rupees back, bitch!"  
  
(The screen went off. Saria cried even harder. Mido held back a laugh.)  
  
THE AUDIENCE: " Ewwww!"  
  
MAURY: " Okay, I think we lost our status as a family show. Where the hell are those censors. Bring out the Know-It-All Brothers!"  
  
(The brothers come down the steps and sit in their chairs across the stage from Saria and Mido. The brothers laugh at Saria.)  
  
MAURY: " Know-It-All Brothers! I see that you don't think that you aren't the Father of little Sage."  
  
THIRD KIA BROTHER: " Damn right! That bitch can't suck cock for shit! How the hell can you expect one of us to be the Dad?!"  
  
SECOND KIA BROTHER: " Maury, we all know that Saria is Hyrule's personal slut. God knows who the Father is of poor Sage. If it is even human! There have been rumors of Saria going up to Death Mountain to do favors for Darunia. Plus, I saw a Zora go to her house one night when Mido was out."  
  
FIRST KIA BROTHER: " Saria has been fucked by some many people, it is not even funny anymore. I mean, Maury, you probably banged Saria but was so disgusted that you made yourself forget about the experience. And that's understandable because fucking her pussy is like fucking a wet paper bag."  
  
MAURY: " Hmmm. There was that time a while ago, I wandered into the forest drunk and met a green-haired little girl. I don't remember what happened though."  
  
FIRST KIA BROTHER: " Don't worry, Maury. Saria is so pathetic in bed that I think it's best that you don't remember."  
  
MAURY: " Mido. Are you going to let them talk about Saria like that? She's crying."  
  
MIDO: (He shrugs his shoulders.) " I just want to see the result of the paternity tests."  
  
MAURY: " Fine. (He picks up the envelope.) Here are the results. I'm going to make this quick. Any longer and Saria won't be known as the Sage of the Forest anymore but Sage of the Brothel."  
  
(Maury carefully reads the paper.)  
  
MAURY: " Okay, I'm going to start with the Know-It-All Brothers. You there."  
  
FIRST KIA BROTHER: " Me?"  
  
Maury: " Yeah. According to the results, when it comes to little ten month Sage....you are NOT the Father."  
  
FIRST KIA BORTHER: " Yes! I told you bitch! I told your slutty ass!" (He jumps up and does a weird dance.)  
  
MAURY: " This is for the second brother. When it comes to little Sage, you are NOT the Father!"  
  
SECOND KIA BROTHER: " Of course I'm not! I didn't need this test to tell me this!" (He high fives the first brother.)  
  
MAURY: " Now, the final brother. When it comes to Sage, you are NOT the Father!"  
  
THIRD KIA BROTHER: " I could have told you that. All I did with Saria is allow her to give me oral sex. Which reminds me...where's my ten rupees bitch?!"  
  
MAURY: " This just leaves Mido. How are you feeling Mido?"  
  
MIDO: (A smile is slowly tugging on his face.) " I...I feel good. I'm the daddy of this baby. Me and Saria! Together forever!"  
  
MAURY: " Wait a minute. I'm going to read the results first. Just to make sure."  
  
SARIA: " Um...Maury. You don't have to. It's clear that Mido is the father of Sage."  
  
MAURY: " Nonsense. The audience wants to make it official. Right?"  
  
THE AUDIENCE: " Yeah!"  
  
MAURY: " Okay. Here it goes. (He read the paper.) Mido, when it comes to little Sage....you are...NOT the Father!"  
  
MIDO: " What?! How the fuck could this happen!" (He looks at Saria.) You little slut! I can't believe it! I hate you! I don't want to see your slutty ass again!"  
  
SARIA: " Mido! Don't leave! I'm sorry. Please forgive me!"  
  
(Mido storms off stage with the KIA Brothers. Saria is left there alone. Maury gives her a little hug.)  
  
MAURY: " Saria, is there anyone else who could possibly be the Dad?"  
  
SARIA: " Yes...sniff."  
  
MAURY: " Who?"  
  
SARIA: " Link..."  
  
MAURY: " Everything will be fine. We are going to get this Link and have him take the test, okay? (He lets go of Saria and gets up to face the camera.) Don't go away as our third guest will be on after the break."  
  
(Camera is off.) 


	3. A Hero's Downfall

RedMetalCross  
  
I have finally returned with the third edition to the Paternity Test Saga. This one isn't as funny as the last one but it still has that weird twist that boggles the mind. Anyway, thanks to all who reviewed because it took great courage just to read this nonsense. **************  
  
**************  
  
**************  
  
The Maury Show  
  
Topic: " Mommy, Who Is My Daddy?"  
  
(The camera turns back on and focuses on the stage. Maury is seen taking Saria to the back of the stage before coming back out. He looks at his cue card.)  
  
MAURY: " Now it is time to meet out third guest. This is a young lady who hails from the local ranch in Hyrule. Her story is that she had gotten together with a young man for a few months. Their relationship turned very intimate and ultimately led to her becoming pregnant. However, when she gave him the news, he flatly denied it and then accused her of cheating on him. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Malon."  
  
(The audience claps their hands. Malon walks down the steps, where she's greeted by Maury, and sits down at one of the chairs.)  
  
MAURY: " How are you doing Malon?"  
  
MALON: " I'm doing okay Maury."  
  
MAURY: " I see that you have had misfortunes with your baby."  
  
MALON: " Yes. Poor little Lance. He's only three years old and he's already asking me who is his Daddy. I don't know what to tell him."  
  
MAURY: " Why?"  
  
MALON: " I can't just say that his Daddy left so I just avoid the question."  
  
MAURY: " And who do you think is the Daddy of little Lance?"  
  
MALON: " I don't think, I know who he is. And his name is Link."  
  
MAURY: " Link! Haha. The same Link that is getting married to Princess Zelda?"  
  
(Malon nods her head. The audience was starting to get a little rowdy. They really didn't like Zelda's debut on the show.)  
  
MAURY: " Holy sh...hehehe. Almost blew there didn't I? Just because the whole show went to hell doesn't mean I will. Anyway, are you sure that you didn't cheat with anyone else while you were with Link?"  
  
MALON: " I'm absolutely positive. I was in love with him and part of me still is today."  
  
(Slowly tears fell down Malon's face. Maury hands her a couple of tissues.)  
  
MAURY: " Okay. Here is what Link had to say about little Lance being his child."  
  
(The television screen turns on. Link is standing there.)  
  
LINK: " Maury, let me start off by saying that this is the biggest pile of bullshit I have ever seen in my life! Malon is nothing but a cheap and dirty slut! She said she loved me but I always thought otherwise. Some nights I would go to the ranch and she wouldn't be there. So when she told me she was pregnant, that only confirmed my suspicions. You're nothing but a bitch, Malon, and there is no chance in fucking hell that the baby is mine!"  
  
(The television turns off. The audience begins booing.)  
  
MAURY: (Looking at Malon.) " Those were some strong words by Link. (He turns to the audience.)Let's meet the man who denies this baby. Here's Link!"  
  
(Link steps out. The audience boos immediately. Link retaliates by flipping the bird and screaming out profanity. Maury doesn't even get up to shake his hand. Link sits down.)  
  
AUDIENCE MEMBER: " Fucking bastard!"  
  
LINK: " Shut the fuck up. You know you want my dick."  
  
MAURY: " I understand Link that you and Zelda are getting married. Next month as a matter of fact."  
  
LINK: " That's right. And this stupid shit with Malon is pissing Zelda and I off. I want it to stop."  
  
MAURY: " But weren't you sexually active with Malon a few years ago?"  
  
LINK: (He rolled his eyes.) " I guess you can say that. But I have to say that I didn't enjoy any of it."  
  
MALON: " Bullshit! You came to the ranch every night looking for what?! Sure as hell wasn't for some milk!"  
  
LINK: " Ha! Okay, I'll give you that one. The sex was good but explain to me this: Why the hell would I go up there sometimes to the ranch and you wouldn't be waiting there?"  
  
MALON: " I was either out delivering milk with my father or already asleep. The whole world doesn't revolve around you Link."  
  
LINK: " It should damn it! I only saved every last motherfucker here from sure annihilation."  
  
MALON: " You see, Maury. That's the problem. Link is a fucking egomaniac. I don't know how Zelda puts up with it."  
  
LINK: " I don't care what you don't like about me. All I have to say that the little boy isn't mine."  
  
MALON: " What?! Link have you ever taken a good look of him?! He looks exactly like you!"  
  
(The television behind them flicks back on. It shows the face of Link and Lance side-by-side. )  
  
LINK: (Looks at the screen for a minute.) " So Lance has blonde hair and blue eyes like me. A thousand other men in Hyrule fit that description."  
  
MAURY: " So you are pretty confident that you are not the father of Lance."  
  
LINK: " 100% positive."  
  
MAURY: (He pulls out the familiar brown envelope.) " It just so happens that I have the results of the paternity test and we're about to find out the truth. Are you ready?"  
  
LINK: " I'm not scared of a stupid piece of paper. I know I'm not the father."  
  
MAURY: " Fine then." (He pulls the white piece of paper out but puts it back down.)  
  
LINK: " Huh?! What the hell are you doing, Maury?! Read the damn paper so I can prove all these bastards out here wrong!"  
  
MAURY: " Not yet. You see, a guest earlier came to us and also said that she suspected you as the father of her child. Because we already have your samples, the show was able to do another test. (He picks up another envelope.) Here are those results. But first let's call the girl out."  
  
(The audience claps as Saria steps back down the steps. She sits on the other side of Maury, away from Malon and Link.)  
  
LINK: " Saria?! What the fuck are you doing here?!"  
  
SARIA: " I came because...I think you're the father of my baby."  
  
LINK: " NO!"  
  
MAURY: " Looks like you have two babies to worry about. By the way Link, aren't you engaged to Princess Zelda?"  
  
LINK: " Yeah. We've been engaged for about a year and a half now."  
  
AUDIENCE: " Ohhhhh!"  
  
LINK: " What?! Why are you doing that?!"  
  
MAURY: " Tsk, tsk, Link. Cheating on your fiance. If only she found out..."  
  
LINK: " Yeah well, Zelda can't. She's back at home, in the castle. She'll never find out I cheated on her."  
  
MAURY: " Ha! That's what you think! Zelda has been in the back the whole time and she heard everything you said! Come on out, Zelda!"  
  
LINK: " What?! NO!"  
  
(Zelda walks out on stage with a very pissed off look on her face. She sees Link sitting down and charges at him, knocking him out of his chair and onto the floor. Zelda's slaps him repeatedly across the face. The audience roars with excitement.)  
  
ZELDA: " You bastard! I hate you! How could you cheat on me?!"  
  
LINK: " I didn't mean to! We were fighting at the time! I don't love those two whores, I love you!"  
  
SARIA & MALON: " What?! Whores?!"  
  
(They both get up and begin stomping on Link. Link falls unconscious but, unfortunately for him, a fairy pops out of a bottle and brought him back to consciousness. Zelda takes off her ring and smashes it into Link's face.)  
  
ZELDA: " It's over you stupid fuck!"  
  
LINK: (Pulling himself to his feet.) " But...but..."  
  
ZELDA: " Quiet! I don't want to see you anymore! Guards! Take him away!" (Tears were falling from her face.)  
  
(Ten Hylian guards come from backstage and walk towards Link. He falls down onto his knees and begs to Zelda for mercy. She ignores him and turns away.)  
  
HYLIAN GUARD: " Come on, boy. Time to take you away."  
  
LINK: " NOOOO!"  
  
(The whole studio suddenly turned black for about ten seconds. The lights came back on with everyone still there except for one edition that stood in front of Link, shielding him from the guards.)  
  
LINK: (In complete shock.) " Sheik! I thought you...I thought you were..."  
  
SHEIK: " Zelda? Ha! No spoiled little twit could ever be like me."  
  
ZELDA: " Sheik! I thought I banished you into the Sacred Realm?!"  
  
SHEIK: " Hahahaha! You failed sweetheart! But don't worry, I'm not seeking revenge. I just came here to right a wrong. Link! Grab on to my body!"  
  
ZELDA: " Guards! After them, you fools!"  
  
(Links quickly grabs on to Sheik's body. Sheik pulls out a Deku Nut and throws it into the ground, blinding everyone around. When the light disappeared, Link and Sheik were no where to be found.)  
  
MAURY: (He finally got up from his chair and walked in the center of the stage.) " That was amazing! I have never seen anything like this. And we didn't even read the damn paternity test results. Oh well, might as well read them now. (He looks at the two sheets of paper.) Just like I thought. Link is the father of both Lance and Sage."  
  
(The audience cheers. Zelda and her henchmen clear off the stage. Malon and Saria leave as well, oddly enough holding hands. Maury is left alone on stage.)  
  
MAURY: " That was really weird but very exciting. I barely know what to say about it. Anyway, we will have one more guest on the show so stick around to hear this one."  
  
(Camera turns off.) 


End file.
